I Felt Too Ashamed to Pray... So I Didn’t.

The guilt was loud. My prayers got quiet. I avoided His presence like He hadn’t already seen it all. But He never stopped calling me home.

I didn’t stop praying because I stopped believing.
I stopped because I felt unworthy to speak.

There were days I’d open my mouth to pray and nothing would come out.
I didn’t know what to say.
Or maybe I did. I was just afraid to say it out loud.
Because if I did, I’d have to admit I knew better.
I’d have to face how far I’d wandered.
And that kind of honesty felt heavy.

So instead of bringing it to God, I brought it to numbness.
I brought it to my journal, or to my pillow at night, or to long drives with worship music turned low enough that I didn’t have to respond to it.
I was talking around God.
But not to Him.

Because shame has a way of wrapping around your throat like a vine.
And before you know it, silence feels safer than intimacy.

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The thing is…
I knew better.
I knew God was merciful.
I knew He was loving.
I knew He had seen worse.

But I still avoided Him.
Like Adam and Eve hiding in the garden, I covered myself with good intentions and avoidance.
And He still came looking.

There’s a verse that wrecked me when I finally cracked my Bible open again:

“Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.” - Psalm 34:5

Not “mostly radiant.”
Not “radiant after you’ve been clean for 3 months.”
Just radiant.
And not covered in shame.

That verse felt like it was calling me out and pulling me into a much needed hug at the same time.
Because I’d been covering myself in shame, when God had already offered to cover me with Himself.

It didn’t happen overnight.
But slowly, I started praying again.
Awkward prayers. Half-sentences. Quiet tears.
I didn’t wait until I felt holy enough.
I just started talking.

And He met me there.
Not with a lecture.
Not with a cold shoulder.
Just presence.

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Your homework this week:

Make a list of the things you’ve been avoiding bringing to God.
The stuff you’ve been hiding. The guilt you’ve been carrying. The parts of you that still feel “too much.”

Then next to each one, write a single sentence:
“God, I give You this too.”

Let that be your offering.
You don’t have to explain it all.
You just have to bring it.

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✨ Closing Prayer

Father,
I’ve been hiding.
Not because I wanted to walk away… but because I didn’t feel worthy to come close.
I forgot that You don’t love me for my perfection. You love me because I am Yours.
I lay down every excuse, every ounce of shame, every lie that told me You were too disappointed to listen.
Let me see Your face again.
Let me speak without fear.
Let me remember that I still belong in Your presence.
In Jesus’ name,
Amen.

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With chips and love,
Arevia ❤️